Image Management Is Killing Our Kids

By Shannon Kapp

There’s a school district right now mishandling a crisis in a way that makes my stomach turn. I won’t go into the details because the details aren’t actually the point. What matters is what this moment reveals about the culture our kids are growing up in, a culture that trains them to value image over honesty, performance over authenticity, and silence over vulnerability. What I’m watching is a masterclass in reputation protection, and every young person in that community is absorbing the lesson: “When things get hard, don’t tell the truth. Protect the image.”

That should terrify every parent.

Because the pressure to curate and control how you look is already crushing our kids. Social media tells them to perfect their lives. Friends tell them to hide their insecurities. The world tells them to outshine their flaws. And when adults, especially those in leadership, model the same fear-driven behavior, kids learn that honesty is dangerous and pretending is survival.

TRUTH

Kids learn more from how adults handle the truth than from anything we preach about honesty.We can talk about vulnerability until we’re blue in the face, but if we hide our struggles, dodge accountability, and panic when things get messy, our kids will follow our lead. They’re not confused. They’re watching.

And what they’re seeing is that image matters more than humanity.

We are the mirror. What we want to see in our kids has to start in us. If we want kids who tell the truth, we have to be adults who tell the truth. If we want kids who don’t crumble under pressure, we have to stop pretending we’re fine when we’re not. If we want emotionally honest kids, we have to create environments where honesty is met with presence, not punishment.

Teenagers aren’t hiding because they’re fragile. They’re hiding because they’ve been conditioned to, by their screens, by their peers, and yes, by the adults who are supposed to be safe. When the people in charge signal, even subtly, that protecting reputation matters more than transparency, kids internalize the message instantly, “Don’t speak up. Don’t mess up. Don’t show weakness.” And that’s the path that leads young people into crisis, not the hard thing they’re facing, but the belief that they have to face it alone.

GOOD NEWS

Parents have more influence than any system, school, or social platform. Your home can be the one place in their world that doesn’t demand perfection. Your presence can be the reason they choose honesty instead of silence. You can model a way of being human that actually helps them breathe again.

But that requires us to stop managing our own image long enough to be real.

Your kids don’t need you to be flawless. They don’t need you to solve every problem. They don’t need polished speeches about character and resilience. They need to see how you navigate your own stress, failures, emotions, and imperfections. They need to hear you say, “I was wrong,” or “I’m struggling too,” or “Here’s what I’m learning.” They need to see that being human isn’t something to hide.

The environment you create at home communicates far louder than anything you say.

So how do we start building homes where honesty is safer than image? It doesn’t take heroic effort, just intentional modeling. Here are five practical places to begin:

1. Narrate your humanity.
Let your kids hear you acknowledge normal human emotions: “Today was rough. I felt overwhelmed. I made a mistake.” This isn’t burdening them, it’s teaching them that imperfection is a normal part of life.

2. Reward honesty, not performance.
When your kid tells the truth, especially about something uncomfortable, respond with curiosity before consequences. If honesty gets them in more trouble than hiding, they’ll hide every time.

3. Regulate yourself before responding.
Kids measure safety by our reactions. Take a breath. Step outside. Give yourself a moment. A grounded parent helps produce a grounded kid.

4. Talk openly about pressure.
Name what they’re feeling. Call out the lies they’re battling, “You don’t have to be perfect to be loved. You’re allowed to make mistakes. You’re allowed to ask for help.” They need these truths louder than the noise they’re drowning in.

5. Make yourself the safest person in the room.
Be the adult they can come to with anything, without fear of being dismissed, punished, or shamed. Tell them often, “There’s nothing you could tell me that would make me love you less or walk away from you.” Say it until they roll their eyes… and then say it again.

At the end of the day, a district might mishandle a crisis. A school might prioritize optics. A culture might preach perfection. We can’t control any of that. But we can control the atmosphere of our home. We can build families where honesty is welcomed, not feared. We can be adults who model the kind of integrity and vulnerability we hope to see in our kids.

Image management is killing our kids.

Authenticity is what will save them.

Your child doesn’t need a perfect parent.
They need a present one.
A real one.
A safe one.

And that’s something you can choose today.